Marshawn “The Beast” Lynch
Brie Bella has already co-opted Lynch’s shtick with her Brie Mode catchphrase. Why not pair them up for a mixed-gender tag team called Beauty and the Beast? Unfortunately, Lynch may first have to spend time in NXT (WWE’s minor league) to work on his neglected mic skills. Finishing move: The Beast Quake.
Kshama Sawant
Why doesn’t wrestling have an off season like other sports? Sawant (now going only by her last name, per WWE style) enters the picture as a rabble-rousing socialist attempting to unionize the wrestlers. She instantly becomes a foil to Triple H and the Authority, who operate with a corporate credo of doing whatever is “best for business.” Finishing move: Swing Vote Neck Breaker.
Macklemore
He’s got the perfect collection of bankable gimmicks: a white rapper, an easy target of Internet scorn, inspirational but kind of cheesy, loved by kids and casual fans, struggles to win over older purists. Oh wait, John Cena already exists. Finishing move: Tag Pop Leg Drop.
Dale Chihuly
With his signature coif and eye patch, the glass master already looks like an action figure along the lines of ’80s standout manager Captain Lou Albano. He sketches ways to contort opponents into submission and bids his stable of wrestlers to do the dirty work. Finishing move: Shattering Glass.
“The Billion Dollar Man,” aka Jeff Bezos
The Amazon tycoon pulls a Ted Turner and starts a rival wrestling promotion to compete with WWE (streaming free on Prime!). The Monday Night Wars of the ’90s return. Bezos’s business tactics slowly put independent wrestling promotions like Ring of Honor out of business, but only hardcore fans really seem to care. Finishing move: SLU Stunner.
Russell “The Savior” Wilson
Billed as a pious and benevolent counter to the dark and cultish Wyatt Family (and the Undertaker before them), Wilson uses his overwhelming positivity to assemble a fearsome faction of a dozen baby-face superstars (known as the 12s). He soon feuds with Cena over who can visit the most Make-A-Wish kids. Finishing move: Baptismal Backbreaker.
Phoenix Jones
I mean, come on.
